Time To Retire

Bad Boyfriends 1

The upside to being treated like the exhaust pipe of a Chevrolet El Dorado? Literally nothing. All you have to do is breath and the alpha male fantasy fan fiction will magnetize to you like a herpes outbreak at a Playboi Carti concert.

19-years-old and RUINED

There's only two people on Earth that should never be caught fishing for brown trouts: Lindsay Lohan in her 'i'll snort Tide Pods' phase, and this chick. She's 19, anti-semen and dumber than a mailbox on Sunday. In other words: she was BORN for eFukt.

American History XXX

The Only Olympics I'm Watching in 2024

I wasn't intending on the ambiguous crossover of Tokyo and The Kentucky Derby to make my boner list... yet here we are.

Incredible Acts, Depraved Humans 3

If the first chick doesn't have the look of a girl that's admitted to losing her virginity to a mailbox, I don't know what is. A moment that was probably about as unintentional as me using Cowabunga Bay Water's wave pool as my own personal porta potty. Apologies to visitors between years of 1998 - 2013.

First Scene, Last Scene

2002-2004. An era of professionally produced pornography that should probably be forgotten. Not a single penetration was made, yet I feel like I've been fucked by spare tires and empty cans of Busch Light after sitting through this atrocity. The line dropped at 2:30 really makes you wonder how many Marlboro Miles these guy were paid for the scene.

BF Encourages 10-Dick Cheating Apocalypse

Girl Bosses: You won.

Buffalo Billy's Bath Salt Adventure

Only so many things could explain such a bizarre video. I assume the lead male or the director was on drugs, but most likely everyone on set had to be on something.

Wannabe Swinger Gets Cucked Instead

Darrell spent a year talking his wife Nikki into giving swinging a shot. She finally gives in and it does not go to plan. To add insult to injury, the whole humiliating ordeal is captured forever in some shitty pseudo-documentary.

SORORITY GIRL FREAKOUT

Awkward Moments In Porn 7

Eight times pornography actually shocked me. Okay maybe just one time. Specifically #3. While the others have come and gone, this little gem remains unexplained.

Mom Watches Daughters Blowjob Audition

This is pretty fucked up... and awesome! Mom is so supportive of her pornstar daughter, I'm surprised she didn't bring everyone snacks.